the agony and the angst of works in progress

Uluru

Any creator, in any field, will tell you that when it comes to launching their project/book/artwork/play/invention into the big ole world, a certain inner turmoil descends upon 'release'.

What will people think?

What will they say?

How will they react?

Will they be offended?

Will I be panned, canned or slammed?

Will they LIKE it?

Having pondered these questions many a time in my career, I've only recently come to the biggest (and most meaningful) question of all . . .

Does it really matter?

Some might say yes. Perhaps if people LIKE our work, we'll win awards. Or we'll sign more contracts. Or gain renown. Or finally snag that holiday home on the Amalfi Coast.

Maybe.

But also, maybe not.

My children's book obsession (particularly picture books) spans 35 years, and I'd like to think I know a little bit about said books, especially since founding Kids' Book Review in 2009, but most especially because a heck of a lot of my waking hours are spent immersed in picture books in some form or another, from writing, editing, studying, designing and constructing, to analysing, illustrating or just plain enjoying them.

Despite all of my experience and passion, however, I'm acutely aware that what I like in a book is still completely subjective. Naturally. There are plenty of award-winning and highly-lauded books I really don't like--not even in the tiniest fragment of a bit. There are plenty of highly-esteemed illustrators whose work barely raises a blip on my enthusiasm radar, and some I think is downright awful. And there are plenty of awards handed out to books that confound me to a point of numb and aimless wandering.

Does this mean these books or artworks are 'bad'. No! Not at all! They are absolutely brilliant! To some. Or maybe even to many.

Therein lies the rub.

If published works (of any kind, not just picture books) are so utterly vulnerable, lying on the market slab with their throats bared to the whims and fancy and interpretation (or misinterpretation) and likes and dislikes and opinions and ethe and political beliefs of Everyone and Anyone, why do we place so much importance on the LIKE? Even awards judges are subject to subjectivity. Naturally!

So, why the agony? What purpose does it serve other than misery? So long as we are creating and doing what we love without harming anyone, isn't that all that matters?

I can hear you, my creativity-resplendent reader, thinking 'all of this is nothing new', and you're right. The point of this post, though, goes beyond what people think of published work. It's about the agony and the angst of works in progress. Works no one (or few) has even laid eyes on yet.

Case in point: my first self-illustrated book.

The concept has been in my mind and heart for many years, and to be able to illustrate the entire work myself, after 25+ years of illustration hiatus . . . well, this opportunity rose above and beyond 'dream' and into something quite unimaginable.

Yes, it's been happy-making. And the first couple of months prepping for this book and researching and trying out illustrations, has been creative nirvana--pure and unfettered.

Until . . .

As the creation and concepts for this book have unfolded, I've begun to exist in a quiet sort of gradually-escalating agony over something. And that something is really quite pathetic. And ridiculous. And surprising.

I mean, I've always known that illustrating a book is going to open me up to a whole other world of criticism and opinion (double whammy for Author/Illustrators, but especially tough because I'm 'new' to this side of things within the industry), but to be already worrying an entire year before this book even hits the shelves, has really taken me by surprise.

I'm terrified of being judged. And my work isn't even controversial.

Actually, let me clarify. When I say 'judged' I don't mean the way people view (like or dislike) my illustrations or text or book concept. What worries me is more pure 'judgment'. How some may judge me as a person. A woman. Not as an author or illustrator. As a human being.

Perhaps I've been scarred by some recent abuse on Goodreads (removing myself from that site is an open refusal to support a platform that thrives and encourages abuse--if you're unaware of the anti-author stance Goodreads takes, just google it!), or maybe it's because I'll soon be published as an illustrator, I'm not sure--but my fear of being personally judged via the interpretation or misinterpretation of my work by some, is something I'm sick over.

People can dislike my work. They can even hate it--that doesn't worry me in the least. But to publicly vilify authors over content interpretation or misinterpretation or books that are NOT HOW THE READER WANTS THEM TO BE, is unacceptable--and honestly? terrifying. Because it pretty much typifies the dark side of the internet--something that's having real life effects on real life people. With real hearts and minds. It's particularly terrifying because, as a creator, you're expected to remain unmoved and completely mute. You're expected to just cop it.

Even if it's libel. (As is frequently the case with Goodreads.)

Why is that? Do creators not have rights? Because they put something out into the world, does that automatically remove their right to defend themselves against defamation? Against trolls and haters? Since when did the trolls and haters and keyboard warriors gather up and squirrel away all the rights? Are people out there seriously good with this now? and more than happy for the beings of the underworld to steal the light???

Because I'm not! And I'm strong enough to stand tall and say all this without an account set to private, a fake name and the 'protection' of anonymity (ie: keyboard warriors).

Criticism is perfectly fine. But this 'picking books apart' and vilifying authors because they don't contain what readers want or expect absolutely does my head in. You either accept a book for what it is, or you put it down and move on. It really is that simple. There is simply too much to read and enjoy in this world--why spend more than a nanosecond on a work you don't particularly like or that you strongly disagree with or that you perceive in a way that gives you the irrits. And more than that, WHY get online and deride and vilify the creator's actual character? Just because you have a megaphone, doesn't mean you have to use it as a tool to spread hate.

I guess this kind of hate-spewing says much more about the spewer than anything about the creator. Alas, these weaklings don't have the balls to put an identity to the rampant opinion. Always the way of the weak.

And as Elizabeth Gilbert so eloquently says (I'm paraphrasing), 'if you don't like my novels, then go write your own ******* book'.

But I digress.

I understand that pleasing everyone is impossible. But still--few creators want to disappoint or have their work read in a way that wasn't intended, or put too much in or say it the 'wrong' way or leave something out.


The nature of this book I'm illustrating is that a lot will be 'left out'. It only has a limited number of pages, after all. Like my A Kids' Year series, some of the feedback we receive includes 'what about...', 'but you left out...', 'where is...', 'we don't celebrate that in our house...'. I love these 'criticisms' because it's fantastic to see people (kids especially) thinking about their own worlds and what's meaningful to them. And if my books do that, it's a great thing.

Consciously I know all this worry and angst over whether my book fulfills everyone's expectations or needs or beliefs or ideology--is ridiculous, but it really has been agonising. I guess it's been agonising because I care. I really do care. I don't want to offend. I don't want to disappoint. But if I continue to listen to these inner fears, I'll honestly stop creating books all together.

So, this whole sordid issue has disabled me for over a week, and enough is enough.

You see, recently, I worked on a potential image for the book that I absolutely loved. But then, my brain got busy. Mild wonderings turned to curiosity which turned--very quickly, into mild panic.

I asked a fellow author/illustrator his thoughts and he had some really fabulous things to say. I asked another trusted author/illustrator friend her thoughts and we discussed it quite a bit. She asked her husband for his opinion, and he checked with another highly-qualified person and they came back with thoughts--all positive. I then asked another friend who asked three of her friends and again, all positive.

But, as with anything, each of them had different things to say. Sometimes vastly different. And a few also pointed out how SOME people could perceive the image. And while it was good to hear all this--stupid me, wanting to please absolutely everyone, began mulling again on all this variant opinion.

So, JUST TO BE SURE, and to cover all bases, I asked some MORE people. And a few more. And all came back with more totally different reactions (90% positive, thank goodness) that really brought me to a point of feeling physically ill and mentally fraught. Not because of anything they said, but because of all my internal 'what ifs' and 'how am I going to cater for everyone!?'.

All this over one little image.

And on it went, snowballing and becoming bigger than Harry Potter, as I began looking at other potential images for the book, contemplating how people could take them wrong or read something into them or totally misinterpret, or make their own calculations on why I had created them and what kind of person I am.

Is it any wonder this became sick-making?

Through the latter part of this week, I've managed to calm down and instead focus on creating something I love, the way I want it, without compromising my vision or making it into something every person on the planet will flop around in delirium over.

And did I succeed in letting it all go?

Almost.

Then, on Friday night, the lovely chanteuse Tina Arena spoke directly to me on The Project on Channel 10. She turned to the camera and she leaned forward and she whispered, 'Tania, I have something to say to you.'

And this is what she said:

'I don't care about ticking any box other than 'does this feel right for me'? If it feels right for me, I think that it will feel right for others as well. The over-intellectualising thing is just a pain in the backside, and for me it's just about getting on with it, having a good time and letting people vicariously live through songs, stories and melodies. That's all I care about.'

All I heard was 'stories'. That's all I heard. Oh, and I also heard 'illustrations'. It came right after 'melodies' and it travelled through my eustachian tubes, into my brain, down my spinal column, then jumped ship through my pericardium and whacked me straight in the heart.

My hand went to my chest at the very same time, and it was one of those long, long moments when you don't even need to breathe.

In this Politically Correct-to-the-Point-of-Sheer-Insanity world, where even the most innocuous thoughts, images and concepts can be manipulated, misinterpreted and wrangled into Personal Opinion, then spouted in fishwife-fashion through the virtual foghorn of the internet, is it any wonder we get nervous or even agony- and angst-ridden?

Some people will get my book, some won't. Some will appreciate my pure desire to have fun and be joyful and creative, others won't. I just want to be able to express myself and my creativity without being maligned or judged for it. I want to feel free to create from my heart without oppression by those who might not 'agree'. They have every right to disagree (without resorting to abuse), and I guess that's something I need to work actively towards completely ignoring.

Renowned children's book creator Ed Emberley has said, of those who haven't liked his work, that he didn't create it for them. He created it only for people who liked it.

I love this concept!

Elizabeth Gilbert has also said, 'You must allow both your work and yourself to be imperfect.', ie: realise it cannot please everyone.

When it comes down to it, it's the opinion of the people who really matter who will delineate what appears in my book. And that, dear reader, I'm  not sorry to have to say ... includes myself.

And, what if someone ends up hating my book? Well, it won't matter.

I didn't create it for them.

I hope these musings help you on your own creative journey.

Courage, creators!

PS: SUB-MORAL of this story . . . do not show more than one or two trusted people your works in progress. And for God's sake, don't over-intellectualise! Trust your creative centre.

If ifs and buts where candy and nuts, every day would be Christmas.

Tea with JT - author interview

I first met Jenny Tiffen back in 2009. She is one of these Renaissance women--four gorgeous kids, once ran a fitness business and several other initiatives, now blogs (as Love Wednesday fantastic blog--you must check it out!) and writes for several sites including Canberra's The Riot ACT. She's also one of these freakish women who is not only a gorgeous person, she's beautiful, sharp as a tack, dedicated, dynamic, creative and FUNNY!

So it was a joy to catch up with her for tea at Local Press in Kingston this week for a chat and an interview for the Riot ACT. Oh, and she's also brilliant with photography--and most graciously put up with my paranoia over being photographed for the interview. Typical author used to living alone in a dark hole. I think she's done an excellent job of photo shopping my part of the images, don't you!?

You can see the full interview here. It was a lot of fun. Thanks, Jen!

An amazing review for Australian Kids Through the Years

Sometimes a review comes along that just makes your heart sing and makes all the research, passion and seemingly endless hard work on a book feel worthwhile. (Truth by told, even if my books didn't receive such heartwarming reviews, all of these things would still be worthwhile because I just love making books that much!)

Like all books, Australian Kids Through the Years took a lot of my heart into its pages--and this reviewer so 'got' everything Andy and I (and the NLA team) did to make this book come alive--it just felt goosebump-tingly to read all she had written.

So, thank you, thank you, Momo.

You can read the full review here.

Book Launch for Australian Kids Through the Years

We had the loveliest launch for Australian Kids Through the Years at the National Library today, during their Imaginarium Family Day.

What an amazing afternoon--seeing kids descend en masse for all manner of cool happenings, from mini helicopter flying to an enormous chessboard, 3D printing, paper plane fyling, musical instruments made from fruit, the Scrabble Championship and of course--authors!

Stephanie Owen Reeder (above) had littlies grooving along to her Dance Like a Pirate book, followed by Pauline Deeves (below) and her glimpse into the past--how life was lived a hundred years ago and how dolls were often made from hankies (her hanky was clean)!

Next was my launch for Australian Kids Through the Years--and the children were clearly story-lovers. They were just so engaged and so clever. Who'd have thought that a 6-year-old would know that a fiddle was a violin!?

After a book signing, David Astle had kids mucking around with words in a wonderful way, then Stephanie did a presentation on her book Lost! (alas, I couldn't stay for that one).

Congratulations to the National Library for a superb afternoon!

Imaginarium Family Day and my book launch! at the National Library of Australia

If you are in Canberra tomorrow, Sunday 11 October, come along to the National Library's 'Imaginarium' Family day, from 1pm to 4pm!

There will be SO much going on! Including the launch of Australian Kids Through the Years (at 2.10pm).

Imagine the possibilities of libraries through stories, games and play. Explore 3D printing, 3D pens and fantastic Makey Makey interactive demonstrations. Watch as vocabulary skills are put to the test in the grand final of the ACT Scrabble competition. Plunge into the realm of riddles with David Astle, or sketch portraits using your own device. Meet children�s authors Pauline Deeves, Stephanie Owen Reeder and Tania McCartney. Release the perfect paper plane with the Paper Pilots, and plenty more.

In association with Libraries ACT and Scrabble ACT.

Ground floor
Giant Games, Library podium

NLA Bookshop 10% discount on all Australian children�s titles today

Author corner: storytelling and meet the authors Stephanie Owen Reeder, Pauline Deeves, Tania McCartney, David Astle Main foyer

Imagination Station badge making and hands-on activities, Central Foyer

Bring your own device: make art using linebrush� with John Carey, Exhibition galleries

Fascinating facsimiles Newspaper Reading room

Grand Final Libraries ACT Scrabble Competition, Main Reading Room

First floor
Wordplay children�s space, Ferguson Room, 1^st floor

Lower ground one
Paper Plane Academy and Flight School with The Paper Pilots

Libraries ACT Makerspace: 3D Printing, Makey Makey and 3D pen demonstrations

DURING THE AFTERNOON
1pm Dance Like a Pirate! Book reading with Stephanie Owen Reeder
1pm Grand Final Libraries ACT Scrabble Competition commences  
1.30pm Heroes and Villains: Strutt�s Australia Guided exhibition tour
1.35pm Imagine Children During World War One with Pauline Deeves
2pm Helipad test flight, with The Paper Pilots, Mezzanine, 1^st floor
2pm Discover your National Library Guided building tour
2.10pm Book launch Australian Kids through the Years by Tania McCartney
2.30pm Treasures Gallery Guided exhibition tour
2.50pm Mucking around with words with David Astle
3pm Helipad test flight with The Paper Pilots, Mezzanine, 1^st floor
3.30pm Paper Plane flight school with The Paper Pilots, theatre, LG1
3.40pm Lost! A True Tale from the Bush with Stephanie Owen Reeder, exhibition gallery Heroes and Villains: Strutt�s Australia
4.00pm Paper Plane flight school test flight with The Paper Pilots, mezzanine
4.15pm Award ceremony - Libraries ACT Scrabble Competition

What a fantastic afternoon out! Hope to see you there!

Australian Kids Through the Years featured book for the ABA's Kids' Reading Guide 2015 - 2016

Andy Joyner and I are so happy to have had Australian Kids Through the Years chosen as the Australian Bookseller Association's inspiration for their 2016/2017 Kids' Reading Guide!

It's such a cool guide and hopes to inspire kids to read, read read--always a good thing.

You can see the Guide's Facebook page here and their website is here.

WIN! A copy of Australian Kids Through the Years + Original Artwork!!

Okay--deep breaths. You're going to go bananas over this prize, in celebration of the release of Australian Kids Through the Years.

What a joy it was to work with Andy Joyner on this book--his illustrations are just astonishing, detailed, delightfully retro and so emotive. He's perfectly captured our Aussie kids through the years, including all they loved to do, play, eat, watch and read.

To celebrate, we are giving away a signed (by Tania) copy of the book and an original--yes, you read it right--an ORIGINAL artwork by Andy.

This artwork is a full sketch of the final scene in the book (Year 2000 and beyond) and it could be yours!

Are you peeping with glee?

To enter this comp, all you need to do is have a child aged 12 or under colour in this fabulous colouring sheet (below). Add the child's name, age, email address and postal address (Australian addresses only) and either post it to me at PO Box 171, Jerrabomberra NSW 2619 or email it to me booksATtaniamccartney.com.

I will choose a winner--and let's just say I love bright and colourful! Entries close Saturday 31 October at midnight, and the winner will be announced right here early November.

Please note: entries without contact details will be ineligible. This is a game of skill not chance. The judge's decision is final and no correspondence will be entered into. (Sorry--to run a comp, you have to put all that guff.)

I'm looking forward to seeing your entries!

PS: You can read a Mike Shuttleworth review of the book right here.

Vicious Reviews and How to Deal with Them

I did something for the first time this morning. I defended another author on Goodreads.

I�m hardly ever on Goodreads because I find it a rather scary place, with too much friction and far too much opinion, but I really enjoyed The Year of Living Danishly by UK journalist Helen Russell, and I wanted to give her a rating (incidentally, I gave the book four stars).

Sure enough, as I often find on Goodreads, I stumbled across many nasty �reviews�, including one that was rather brutal.

I do not know Helen Russell. I�ve never met her, in person or online. She did not ask for help nor even respond to the brutal review (no-response is what all good authors 'should' do). Yet I felt compelled to support Helen. Not because the �reviewer� didn�t like the book or had an opinion on the book�no, no, not at all. But because she assassinated Helen�s character.

Sorry, but this, in my book (�scuse the pun), is NOT on.

You cannot include author assassination in any 'review'. It is so wrong, on so many levels, it's beyond offensive. The problem is so huge now, there are websites dedicated to 'stopping the bullies' on Goodreads and other sites, and to outing people who troll from author to author, assassinating or leaving serial one-stars on anything an author publishes ... and of course, as the weak so often do, retaining a 'private' account and pseudonym.

Anyone can be a reviewer now, thanks to sites like 'Good'reads, and this isn�t always a good thing. Like movie trailers, reviews (by the masses or otherwise) are utterly subjective and absolutely do hold sway when it comes to committing to one of the kajillion titles we�d all love to read. I�m certain that many an iffy review has kyboshed my desire to read a book I probably would have really loved, thanks to one person�s opinion. And this is part of the reason I�ve stopped reading reviews. On Goodreads, anyway.

But more than that�it seems that lifetimes of angst and pent up anger and frustration and hate are regularly and readily unleashed on unsuspecting authors, who really didn't ask for it. And this is an abominable thing. Hardly any author escapes it. I�ve also copped it.

The Year of Living Danishly was written by a warm, funny, self-derisive, inquisitive woman. It was an interesting read and at times had me utterly intrigued and laughing out loud. Yes, there were parts I found a little slow, and how I wish I had got hold of that book to give it a good edit before publication! But otherwise, it was a charming read that I really enjoyed. (And I learned a great deal�always a good thing.)

So this brutal 'review' (sorry--character assassination) essentially described Helen as shallow, not as �amusing as she thinks she is� (forgive me�where does Helen state that she thinks she�s supremely amusing?), na�ve, patronising, irritating, lacking in depth of thought, �tee-hee ignorant�, and made the reviewer feel embarrassed and like an intellectual giant by comparison (!). This infuriated me. The �reviewer� even took pains to point out that Helen had neglected to report on all the things the �reviewer� would have liked her to include in the book.

Mindboggling.

I see these types of �reviews� a lot. Amateurs wanting a book to be the way THEY would like it to be. To paraphrase Elizabeth Gilbert on this topic, �then write your own damn book!� These same reviews are often simultaneously designed to inflict a kind of hurt (why?!), that--like this one--is really pretty much libel. On Amazon recently, I discovered a review of one of my own books that labelled me as a stuck-up, smug, self-obsessed, lowlife person whom the reviewer wouldn�t even want to MEET, let alone know. She stopped short of saying she wouldn�t pee on me if I was on fire, but I just know her fingers were itching to type it. She also said she felt sorry for anyone who ever knew me or would know me.

Wow.

And here I was thinking I�d written a book with honesty, warmth, humour (though I never once state how supremely humorous I am) and deep vulnerability. Where she came up with this assessment of me, as a person, via one of my books, will remain an eternal mystery to me. The review was so wounding, I very rarely read reviews of my books now�never on book sites and never, ever on Goodreads or Amazon where the screamed opinions of the clueless drown out the measured, dedicated, pro reviewers.

It�s kind of sad. Why should an author be terrified over reading reviews? I don�t mind if people hate my books but to assign such hatred to me, as a person? I'm just a mum who loves to write and draw! I'm just Tan!

Here�s a novel idea (�scuse the pun, again): authors are real people. They have feelings. Hammering someone�s character because you didn�t like their book says more about the �reviewer� than anything else. And I guess that�s something we have to remember, as authors. I wonder if these reviewers know how their reviews make them look to the Rest of World.

The thing is, we don�t have to like books. We can put them down. The �reviewer� of Helen�s book didn�t put it down. Why did she waste time on something that so infuriated her? Let it go, dear �reviewer�, let it go.

This �reviewer� also gave Helen�s book three stars (a giant rating considering her assassination) and that�s okay. She didn�t have to like it or agree with it. But to rant and rave about how SHE would like the book to have been written, and worse�to judge, belittle and assassinate Helen, is just atrocious, and my respect for sites like Goodreads would heighten immensely if they spent more time deleting �reviews� like this�and, even better�banning such reviewers.

UPDATE: I have removed my Goodreads membership. I refuse to support any site that openly allows and even encourages (by way of turning a blind eye) hatred, personal vilification and libel on their site, and flagrantly gags authors from responding to author character assassination and shaming (which is not what a review site let alone a decent site should be about). I was firmly told that if I was to respond to the hateful review, I could face suspension. ME!!!! How f**ked up is that? If you want to learn more about the anti-author stance Goodreads openly supports (and has actually told me so in emails), just google it. Goodreads also openly supports (they have actually told me this in an email) serial one-star-leavers--angry people who use the site to discredit or harm the standing of authors.

So, please, readers, think deeply before posting reviews that a) rant about how YOU would have liked the book to have been written (write your own damn book!), and b) never, ever assume to know the author from their book, or place any kind of judgment call on them. All books are written with heart and passion and no author expects every reader to resonate with or even like their work. What they do NOT expect is to suffer public vilification or shaming at the hands of someone they've never even met.

Also think deeply before relying on reviews. Be selective with the reviews you read and the sites you read them on. The majority of reviewers on Goodreads and book sites like Amazon are NOT qualified to provide much more than a subjective opinion. Sure, they have every right to an opinion (that's isn't hatred or libel), but if you want a considered, professional review from industry folk who know books inside out and would never in a million years vilify an author, be selective.

If you come across character assassination reviews, flag them to admin! Stand up against this abomination that so many angry people seem to be getting away with. I also encourage you to remove your membership from sites that openly support hate posts. Like Goodreads and Amazon.

For the authors out there who have (or might) suffer a character assassination, take heart. You are not alone and the review is not about you or your work. It�s about the reviewer. DO NOT respond! If you do, the nutbag who left the review will make things a lot worse for you--as nutbags do. Just let it go (though if the review is clear libel or is seriously damaging for your book--and I actually believe all such reviews are damaging--alert your publisher to take action, and have someone else flag it to the site�s admin).

Lastly, if we can feel secure in the knowledge that WE know who we are--that we are not some imagined abomination from the tortured mind of some virtual stranger--then we have come far on the evolutionary scale, indeed.

Meantime, grab Helen�s book. It�s fabulous.